Music Store Free Paintings Portfolio

Monday, January 31, 2011

No, Mouse! Quit While You're Ahead!

there's something unnatural about chocolate that's white. it's also unnatural how white chocolate convinces me to keep eating it even though it makes me ill. so delicious. and so nauseous. that's the same way my friends and i feel about coldstone ice cream. it never fails to make you sick but you keep eating through the illness. we call it "deliciously ill". and we now protect each other from it. every once in a while one of us will decide that maybe it will be ok to have coldstone. just this one time. no. friends don't let friends eat coldstone.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

How Lucky She Is to Be So Spoiled

the person that requested this informed me that this is her cat wearing "her favorite wig". yep. that certainly implies that this cat has many wigs. can't you just tell she likes this one the best?

Saturday, January 29, 2011

I Don't Know What I'd Do If I Came Across This in the Wild

today's painting is some weird man-machine hybrid. look at this crazy creature! human arms for fist pumping. but it's on two wheels!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Breeding Tanks Is a Hobby of His

this request was for a betta fish tank. i should have left the fish out. the tank is clearly the important part. that plant is getting in the way, too.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Maybe I Should Just Flush This One

by the time i finished this guy, it had been 13 months since he was requested. i sent a picture to the requester saying that her painting was finished and thanks for waiting because i had to get through 1,300 paintings on the wait list before her. she responded saying "I don't even have these kinds of fish anymore :( If I request another one do I have to wait 1,300 more people?" haha i'm always worried people will have broken up with the significant others they asked me to paint by the time i get to them. but i never thought getting a new type of fish would be an issue.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Hasbro Is Still Trying to Find Him

he stole the ball from the board game and took it back to his home.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Yinz Guys Like This Painting

this painting has some great timing. and no i didn't paint it because they just got into the superbowl (which is awesomeeeee). these last three paintings were a part of a pittsburgh sports series that i just happened to be doing now. so i'm going to take this coincidence as a good sign.

Monday, January 24, 2011

They Would Have Won If This Guy Were in Shape

how do you make a flightless bird mascot even lamer? give him a dopey face and a fat gut. that's right. the penguins' current mascot was too athletic looking so they had to feed him some more primanti's sandwiches to get him ready for the Winter Classic.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

A Confusing Endorsement

this painting is brought to you by the letter R. i don't know why R would sponsor this artwork but that's what it wanted. you'd think if R was going to promote an image it would be of an R. or at least not a letter that's not so darn similar to an R. i mean, P is just an R without a tail.

actually, now that i think about it, why the heck does Sesame Street always say that their show is brought to you by a letter? do they want the kids to think letters pay for Sesame Street to be on the air? if Sesame Street is trying to be funny, it's not like kids get the joke anyway.

this painting is brought to you by the letter R. you thought i was gonna say P, huh? that is the extent of this joke.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I Bet This Guy Wouldn't Drink It

i would like someone to create a soda made out of koala just so there will be a product named "koala kola". their marketing department would probably screw up the opportunity and call it "koala pop". actually, koala pop sounds pretty cool, too.

Friday, January 21, 2011

This Thing Has Some Serious Haptic Feedback

the ding and carriage return of the typewriter has been replaced with the tones of smartphone apps. and i guess that typewriter replaced the sound of a hammer and chisel. ok maybe there was something in between those but anyway, what's going to replace smartphone typing sounds? according to hollywood, we're all going to be talking to our technology. "computer, paint masterpiece and post to blog."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Look at That Face. He Knows He's Rad

this was painted to hang in a fraternity house. the brothers that requested it actually knew of me from doing my power hour at parties and then learned about my paintings. so i painted them something super rocking awesome. a grizzly bear on an american flag background. sweeeeet! also, it says beer. you can't get more kickbutt than that.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Site Actually Has Nothing to Do with Sheep or Bears

this is for a guy who found my bear with sheep painting and wanted me to make a logo for his website. it is now proudly displayed on

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

One Point for a Religion Joke. Minus One Point for It Being a Terrible Pun

the third and final palm tree of this series. i should have finished on a sunday. get it? cause then it would be palm sunday.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Chuck Noland Hates My Art

this is a pleasant depiction only if you've never been stranded on a deserted island. or a desserted island where the desserts are only coconut flavored.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Three Squre Feet of Vacation

this is one of three palm trees. a cruel request due to the fact that right now it is 23 degrees outside my apartment.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Friday, January 14, 2011

Looney Tunes Is Way Better Art Than Mine

i'd like to take this opportunity to show an awesome animation i didn't make.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Giraffes Can't Really Walk Due to Their Adorableness Interfering with Their Body Architecture

don't go image search "giraffe" or you'll see this guy looks nothing like an actual giraffe's anatomy. the important part is that he is adorable and that you know it's a giraffe. this is a giraffe.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Turned This Cute Up to Eleven

that dog in the photo is pretty darn cute. you'd think from looking at it that it would be impossible to paint him any cuter. luckily i'm a super talented genius. achieved.

although i misspelled dog. not genius.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Which Is Why Big Ben Wears His Jersey

i like the little tuft of white on her chest. that wardrobe choice really says "i'm not bad luck".

Monday, January 10, 2011

Warning: To Avoid Danger, Keep This Bag Away from Cities and Highly Populated Areas. This Giant Bag Is Not a Toy

i believe that grid below her is city streets. this dog-looking creature is actually a giant monster. so is that "thank you for shopping with us" bag.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I Think She's Driving

what is this dog doing in first class on a plane? i guess in 1987 there were less strict flying regulations. or RVs looked like planes.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Please Use a No. 2 Pencil. You May Open Your Booklet Now

sometimes the days get away from me on the weekends. so i'm late to post.

word problem: a family household has five pets. an artist painted one of the pets. about a year later, the family commissioned the artist to paint the rest of the pets. today the artist painted one pet and will continue painting one pet until the series is finished. how many more days in a row will you be looking at pet portraits?

it is a trick question. you don't know because there is a very large chance someone will request another pet portrait immediately following this series.

you also cannot calculate how many you will look at because there is a very large chance you will stop reading this blog before the end of the series due to the fact that you are sick of looking at pet portraits.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Who Wants a Painting of Anything?

both of them look pretty dazed. i imagine if this scenario happened in real life the emotions would be much more heightened. it would be a furious bear roaring at a freaking out monkey that somehow got on the predator's back. but who wants a painting of that?

maybe they're circus animals. this is just another exhausting show for them. the polar bear is so jaded, a monkey on his back doesn't phase him. the monkey is so detached, there is no fear for his life. but who wants a painting of that either?

now a bunch of people are going to request monkey-bear fights.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Doggie Doors in Space Have to Be Airtight

no, that's not a tennis ball. it's venus. come back to the ship. and leave that space turtle alone, too.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Art, I Am Your Father

just in case scooters weren't dorky enough, those dudes put some star wars stuff on theirs. and dressed up. oh, who am i kidding? dressing up is awesome.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Five Stars! It Was Better Than Cats

the camera is made to be easily operated with wings for hands. thank goodness for that technology or we would have missed such films as Frozen Kane, Antartic Jones and the Swimmers of the South Pole, The Unflyables, Iceablanca, Gone with the Melt, and The Penguinator III: Rise of the Whales.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Barely Room for His Pinball Machine in That Apartment

i think he'd have a hard time fitting that head and those feet into that shell. not saying he couldn't. it's just a tight fit.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I Hope I Remember How to Paint Other Things

the last installment of my three penguins series. man it's good to FINALLY be done with this. i've been posting penguins since last year. here's how they look together:

In the Future Technology Still Breaks

i missed posting on new year's day but it wasn't my fault. i was trying to get on my site but the server that hosts it was down. maybe it was a Y2K11 bug!